I feel like I’m on that ride The Mind Scrambler at Rye Playland what whips you around all willy-nilly under a great big tent. It’s pitch black dark, and there are lights whirling around making me dizzy and sick to my stomach. All I keep thinking is STOP! I WANT TO GET OFF! I NEED TO GET OFF! This is too much for me!
This is my life right now. There have been so many changes and some are really good, some are really bad, and some are just changes, but people, change is hard!
After years of being a homeschool Mom, my son decided to give up his last year of co-op, and join dual enrollment at our “local” community college. Local is really not the right word, ass it’s an easy hour drive away from our house. I’m excited and thrilled for him to branch out and enlarge his world. I’m not gonna lie, it scary. I was hoping for one more year of “Mama-ing” and homeschooling. and now I’m struggling with how to figure out how to make everything work. I am so very tired of driving. Its so far, and I drive him for now. I pack up my laptop and hang out while he’s in class two days a week. He’s also joined a club and of course, it meets on a day he’s not supposed to be in school, so its added in another day of being out of the house for a large part of the day. My poor sweet daughter has been sick for a few weeks, between teeth issues, colds, and her own bout with depression and work issues and I’ve been worried about her. If you have a kid with mental illness, you never stop worrying about them. It can consume you. I volunteer one morning a week at the local animal shelter working with the local radio station. I love it, I really do, but its another commitment that takes half a day. That leaves me with ONE free day during the week, and lately, I’ve been needed by a very sweet and special neighbor who has become handicapped and unable to drive and needs help getting to crucial doctors’ appointments. They are usually on Fridays. Weekends are typical family weekends and filled with things to do, including helping my husband with his budding music career. While he is insanely talented and I love that he has found something to embrace and love, I swear to god if I hear songs being played OVER AND OVER AND OVER again I will SCREAM. (It’s not his fault, he has to listen to to to mix the music- and I have issues with repetition. You should go listen to his music, it’s awesome). My house is a mess because I simply cannot get to all the things that need doing. Today, I noticed mold on the walls in the kids bathroom, so I suppose that I’ll have to scrub that down and paint it instead of painting my bedroom that I’ve been trying to do for months. I’m worried about my Dad, and wish I could visit him. I can’t. Money sucks, and even though I’ve picked up some extra work that really helps it’s not always paid on time which stresses me out, it all required a crap ton of time so sleep gets pushed back so that work gets done. I haven’t been feeling well for months, lately and there’s not enough time or money to go to the doctor. I got a gift certificate for a hair cut on my birthday in early September. and I can’t find the time to go get it done. Hell, I haven’t even written a word here, since April.
Worst of all, my cat died. Unexpectedly and suddenly, and most of all heartbreakingly. I’m still reeling and grieving terribly through that. We all are. I miss that bitchy Chbbie Car so damn much.
I want to be selfish and call in sick to everyone and everything. I want to rent a hotel room and spends a few long, quiet hours all by myself with no one talking to me or being responsible for anyone in a nice clean, crisp bed that I did not have to make up and won’t have to. Maybe reading, maybe just laying down staring at the ceiling letting my thoughts escape because they have been stuck swirling in my head while I’m taking care of everything else.
I’m really tired.
But, I take my responsibilities seriously. I’m not one to give up. So even though I can feel depression breathing down my neck and honestly taking over a little bit, I’m looking to focus on the good things. It’s hard but I try to remind myself that this, too, shall pass.
Things like how proud I am of my son reaching out beyond his comfort zones to move into things that interest him, and starting college early. I’m thrilled that he’s started finding his own tribe of people and exploring new things. I adore being on the radio and helping the shelter. I’m about to start a new campaign for the animal shelter that should help a dog who is in huge need of a home. Most of our Pets of the Week have found homes. We found an awesome dentist for my girl, and she’s learned so much about how to help herself when she’s feeling down. She’s an inspiration. I am happy to help the neighbor lady who is sweet and kind and loving and she seems to be getting a little better. I have managed to get the baseboard heaters cleaned after a few weeks, with the help of my awesome husband. I can always, always count on him to help me, no matter what I need. His music is getting quite a bit of air time which is amazing and he’s waiting on delivery of some vinyl 45’s that has been a lifelong dream of his. I’m so proud of him. I have narrowed down to 2 colors to paint my room. I lost 7 pounds. I’m planning on some changes to my blog and want to learn to Podcast. I was able to get even more work to help with bills and even though its a lot of work, my by-line is getting out there.
These are all good things, but I’m still exhausted. My mind, no, maybe my soul is exhausted. I’m not sure how to fix it. All I know is how to carry one, so I will. But in true Wendy fashion, I’m looking for ways that might help me feel better.
I’m giving my kids more things to do at home, to lighten my load. I need to stop doing it all. I need to hold others accountable for things.
I’m planning on restarting my Ladies Night Out Trashy Novel Book Club. I miss my friends. I miss girl talk and chatting and hell, even reading. I want to mindlessly read an old Jude Deveroux book and not worry about themes or anything other than the hot love scenes and the story. I want to enjoy wine and girl time and I’m going to make it happen. I need to make it happen.
I’m going to say NO to driving, people, and things and stay home for a full 24 hours in my house. Doing whatever I want. Even if it’s cleaning my closet, and prepping my room to be painted someday, I’m doing it.
I’m scheduling work time and keeping to that schedule. I’ll check on payments the day they are supposed to be cut so I’m not stressed.
I’m going to hug kittens at the shelter and love them in Chubs name.
I’m going to laugh with my daughter and search out Harry Styles’s new posters to take photos with.
I’m going to sing Glee songs at the top of my voice with my son as we drive to college.
I’m going to sleep. Curled around the love of my life who is my home, I will push my freezing feet under his thighs and giggle when he gasps, but I know he will still rub and warms them as I fall off to sleep and rest. He is my safe place.
Im jumping off the ride and going to find Myself again. I lost her but she’s still here, somewhere. I’ve had glimpses of her, and I know she’ll be back. I just have to help her.