I should have known the signs. I’ve been talking and writing about them for years. I can spend a few minutes with someone and usually tell when the are struggling. I can take one look at my daughter and see when she needs a little help.
I missed all the signs, EVERYTHING, in me. I am not okay. I am depressed.
The past 6 months have been particularly horrible for our family We’ve had 3 major health crises, one right after another, which lead to intense financial issues, then we had an unexpected death in the family. My blogs were hacked and down for a while, and I lost a few others. I lost a job with a farmer I was very much looking forward to being a part of. I’ve become estranged from some people in my family who are very important to me, so I’m mourning the loss of those relationships. Being broke, sad, and sick sucks. I’ve spent every second of my time being strong for everyone else until I’ve lost my strength.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m floundering and I have been struggling for a while. The past 6 weeks or so I’ve been physically ill. My body HURTS. I don’t want to leave the house. When friends call, I don’t answer. Summer used to be about sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee or wine, depending on the time of day, chatting with my husband and kids, planning out our next adventure. Now, 8pm is finding me curled up in my bed, seeking darkness even as the sun is still in the sky. I seek sleep the way an alcoholic seeks their next drink. and yet, it eludes me. Food has no appeal, unless it’s the kind I shouldn’t be eating. I’m not enjoying things – not my favorite TV shows, the adorable kittens in my cattery, or the extra time with my family. I’m short with people, and I have no patience. I’m never on social media and when I am, its not to engage.
If I saw these signs in anyone else, I’d gently take them by the hand, give them a hug, and say, I think you need a little help. Why don’t we get you some help?
So, I’m saying it out loud.
“I’m not okay. I need a little help.”
I need a hug. I need someone to take me, gently, by the hand and say, ‘Hey, you got this, its going to be okay’.”
Yesterday I forced myself to take my kids to a meetup of others because I didn’t want my darkness to shadow their brightness of summer. While I was there, I was completely honest with my friends when they asked how I was.
“I’m struggling, but I’m working on it“.
I started this morning with a cup of coffee on the porch. It was bright, almost too bright, but there was a hummingbird who whizzed by me at the feeder and made me smile.
It’s a start.