Today I went on a field trip with my daughter’s choir to Six Flags New England. Well, actually we went to a chorus and band competition (Where we received a God Medal – YAY !) and afterwards we went to the amusement park. I was among a group on ladies who went to be chaperons. Being a chaperone when you’re with Middle School kids is totally different- apparently is does not require shadowing kids- but just being available should the kids need us. So my new friend Sarah and I started walking around the park. I knew I had 10,000 steps to get in today, and I was ready to get it done. Sarah and I came across a really cool looking roller coaster: Bizzaro
Normally, I am not the bravest roller coaster rider. I have had a great fear of not only roller coasters, but being able to fit on them. I was pretty sure I would be fine because I had lost all this weight, plus I saw people who were my size or bigger in line. So Sarah and I get on the line and prepare to wait
90 120 minutes to ride. We chatted with people in line as we waited and I got more and more nervous… it was nearly our turn, and I was scared to DEATH! We were next to get on, and I was still scared silly, both of the ride and of whether or not I’d be able to fit. I was feeling pretty optimistic since I had ridden some of the other roller coasters in the park with Aedan last year. The cars pulled up, and Sarah and I climbed in. It was tight fit but I snuggled into the car, and went to put on the seat belt.
It didn’t fit.
I was immediately flooded with shame, horror and despair, not to mention embarrassment and HUGE disappointment. I smiled weakly at Sarah and told her that I couldn’t ride as the seat belt wouldn’t work. I climbed out and told her I’d wait for her at the gate. I felt as if every single person on that line (and there were hundreds) were pointing at me and talking about me I thought the were repeating the stuff I was saying in my mind. I was too fat, unworthy,and a lesser person because I couldn’t fit on the ride. I really wanted to go grab an ice cream, or cotton candy or cheese fries and go sit and pout.
Then I stopped, took a DEEP breath,and decided to stop! Those are NOT the type of thoughts I needed to be thinking. It was not worthy of all the hard work and commitment I’ve been putting in.. I decided to think about all the awesome things I’ve been doing lately.
- I’m down from nearly a size 28 to a size 18
- I’ve lost LOTS of pounds and inches this year
- I’ve changed the way my family and I eat
- I’ve made real changes to our lives in every way
- I am SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE TERRIBLE THOUGHTS.
And I am. Not fitting on a roller coaster was embarrassing, sure, but it didn’t make me a bad person. It didn’t make all those awesome changes and progress I’ve made worthless. It just meant I had a little more work to do FOR THIS RIDE ONLY. There were plenty of other roller coasters that would fit on. I didn’t need ice cream or cheese fries to make myself better. I had prepared and brought with me healthy food and snacks. I had eaten some of my lunch on the bus, and so Sarah and I split a grilled buffalo chicken wrap with lots of lettuce and veggie and a little cheese. I refilled my water bottle and walk by the ice cram booth, and the fried dough and reminded myself I had an apple and some peanut butter on the bus for a snack.
I also reminded myself how hard I had been working as Mamavation Mom. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone including MYSELF, so I just drank my water and walked to try and get my steps in. I ended up only getting in about 9300 steps, so when I got home, exhausted, I had to go for a walk around the block to get in enough step. Then I pulled up my big girl panties and completed my workout,and had another LARGE glass of water.
And I still sad? Honestly, yes I am. But I am NOT devastated. I am energized to work harder so I can get on that damn roller coaster by the end of the summer. I am so motivated to make this happen. I promise myself that I will.