Defining Yourself

Today I went on a field trip with my daughter’s choir to Six Flags New England. Well, actually we went to a chorus and band competition (Where we received a God Medal – YAY !) and afterwards we went to the amusement park.    I was among a group on ladies who went to be chaperons. Being a chaperone when you’re with Middle School kids is totally different- apparently is does not require shadowing kids- but  just being available should the kids need us.  So my new friend Sarah and I started walking  around the park. I knew I had 10,000 steps to get in today, and I was ready to get it done. Sarah and I came across a really cool looking roller coaster: Bizzaro

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Normally, I am not the bravest roller coaster rider.  I have had a great fear of not only roller coasters, but being able to fit on them.  I was pretty sure I would be fine because I had lost all this weight, plus I saw people who were my size or  bigger in line. So Sarah and I get on the line and prepare to wait 90 120 minutes to ride.   We chatted with people in line as we waited and  I got more and more nervous… it was nearly our turn,  and I was scared to DEATH!  We were next to get on, and  I was still scared silly, both of the ride and  of whether or not I’d be able to fit. I was feeling pretty optimistic since I had ridden some of the other roller coasters in the park with Aedan last year.  The cars pulled up, and Sarah and I climbed in.  It was  tight fit but I snuggled into the car, and went to put on the seat belt.


It didn’t fit.

I was immediately flooded with shame, horror and despair, not to mention embarrassment and HUGE disappointment. I smiled weakly at Sarah and told her that I couldn’t ride as the seat belt wouldn’t work.  I  climbed out and told her I’d wait for her at the gate. I felt as if every single person on that line  (and there were hundreds) were pointing at me and talking about me  I thought the were repeating the stuff I was saying in my mindI was too fat, unworthy,and a lesser person because I couldn’t fit on the ride.  I really wanted to go grab an ice cream, or cotton candy or cheese fries and go sit and pout.

Then I stopped, took a DEEP breath,and decided to stop!  Those are NOT the type of thoughts I needed to be thinking. It was not worthy of all the hard work and commitment I’ve been putting in.. I decided to think about all the awesome things I’ve been doing lately.

  • I’m down from nearly a size 28 to a size 18
  • I’ve lost LOTS of pounds and inches this year
  • I’ve changed the way my family and  I eat
  • I’ve made real changes to our lives in every way
  • I am SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE TERRIBLE THOUGHTS.

And I am.  Not fitting on a roller coaster was embarrassing, sure, but it didn’t make me a bad person. It didn’t make all those awesome changes and progress I’ve made  worthless.   It just meant I had a little more work to do FOR THIS RIDE ONLY.  There were plenty of other roller coasters that would fit on.  I didn’t need ice cream or cheese fries to make myself better.  I had prepared and brought with me healthy food and snacks.  I had eaten some of my  lunch on the bus, and so Sarah and I split a grilled buffalo chicken wrap with lots of lettuce and veggie and a little cheese.  I refilled my water bottle and walk by the ice cram booth, and the  fried dough and reminded myself I had an apple and some peanut butter on the bus for a snack.

I also reminded myself how hard I had been working as  Mamavation Mom.   I didn’t want to disappoint anyone including MYSELF, so I  just drank my water and walked to try and get my steps in.   I ended up only getting in  about 9300 steps, so when I got home, exhausted, I had to go for a walk around the block to get in enough step. Then I pulled up my big girl panties and  completed my workout,and had another LARGE glass of water.

And I still sad?  Honestly, yes I am. But I am NOT devastated. I am energized to work harder so I can get on that damn roller coaster by the end of the summer.  I am so motivated to  make this happen.  I promise myself that I will.

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13 Comments

  1. Megan @mnmspecial May 19, 2012
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