There, I’ve said it. I’m trying to find my way back. I know the path, but it’s full of obstacles and I’m really feeling like I’m all alone in the dark with a tiny flashlight trying to find my way with people watching and waiting for me.
I’ve been on this journey for over a year now. I’ve has a few bumps in the road that I’ve been able to climb across, but this time, I’m really struggling. My weight loss journey has been taking the back seat to other things happening in my life. I don’t know how to get back.
I feel powerless and disappointed, guilty, angry, and sad.
Most of you know that my daughter has chronic Lyme Disease. It’s kicking her ass, and mine, too. Watching your child in pain and struggling is every parent’s nightmare. The endless doctor visits and trips to try to find someone, anyone who can help her exhausts not only time, finances and energy, but my soul, too. Who can help me help my child? Whatever time I am not giving to her, I am trying my best to make up to my son who is feeling neglected because I have to give so much to his sister. My husband is getting the little that is left, and thank God he understands because it’s all I have left to give. Forget about trying to keep my house clean. Because I am devoting myself to my family, I am losing ME, the person who has been a bad assed weight loss warrior, the person committed to myself in order to commit myself to my kids.
It’s killing me.
It is so easy for people to say, “Hey, just find a few minutes to yourself. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Workout at home. Make Yourself A PRIORITY.” I GAVE UP making myself a priority the moment I became a parent. My kids are now and always will be my priority.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT.
IT’S ABOUT LOSING MOTIVATION.
IT’S ABOUT LOSING ME.
To be honest, I have been losing weight. a pound or two or a few each week. I’m working on losing the weight I gained back from being a Mamavation mom. I managed to get to the gym at least twice and took a kick boxing class. I’ve been walking on the morning that my kid are in school and I have slept more than 2-3 hours the night before. I’ve been eating mostly clean and well but I feel like it’s not enough. I know it’s not. I’m in the middle of a campaign where I promised to go balls-to-the-wall and all crazy weight loss warrior, but I’m just not doing it – not the way I’m supposed to be doing it. I feel like I’m a huge disappointment to the people that I am supposed to be inspiring. And if I am being fully honest here, I’m disappointed in the people that are supposed to be inspiring, motivating and supporting me. I don’t feel like there are people behind me helping me along the way it was before. It really feels like it’s every woman for themselves and let’s see how this works out. And I don’t think it’s working out so well.
I want to ask for help, for directions, but this is the part that confounds me: HOW can anyone help me? How do I find my way? How do I accept that what I am doing might just have to be good enough for now?
I miss sleep and effortless happy days when every day I had the power to control whether or not it was going to be a good day. I miss my daughters smile. I miss my sons giggles. I miss my clean house. I miss, desperately my gym. I miss my support community. Some would say that it’s still there,but no one can deny it’s been different. Way different. I miss having the energy to do more than whine about missing things.
I miss me.
Consider this my official cry for help.