Is It Bullying?
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April 22, 2015
This is a subject that has come up a lot, lately. When is it bullying? I wrote this post last year when my son broke my heart with a lesson on this.
He told me, “Something made me feel really bad today, Mom.” I could tell by the tone of his voice that it was something that really bothered him. He went on to say that they moved seating arrangements in class and people chose who they were going to sit with. He said, there were finally only 4 people left. He was one of them. Aedan’s classes are inclusion classes, and the others were the kids who are different and are sometimes difficult to sit next to. “I don’t know WHY people didn’t choose me to sit with them, Mom. I try to be nice and a good friend. But no one chose to sit by me.” I was silent for a moment, gathering thoughts on what to say, when he said,” Well, I could have just joined in at another table. But I didn’t, because I know how bad I felt, then Johnny would feel the same way- that no one wanted to sit with him. So I stayed. Plus, I don’t want to be at a table where I am not wanted, they’d be mean to me”. I don’t remember what I said to Aedan, other than that I was sorry that he felt bad, and that I was really proud of his empathy and kindness in thinking about others. I felt so sad for my boy. I was that girl, in 6th grade. (and 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th).
This is one of those instances when life just happens and a kid feels bad. No one said “Eww- I don’t want to sit with Aedan” or said something unkind or mean. They just didn’t choose him . That’s not bullying. It’s life. I will take no action other than tell him I’m sorry he feels badly, that I understand how it hurts, and how proud I am of him for thinking of others.
When the kids on the school bus call him Fat Ass or Pus**, or call him and his best friend “Gay”, or throw bags of chips or crackers at him, or slap him, or gang up on him and call him names, THAT is bullying , When the whole group of kids are playing basketball at recess and he’s with that group, and they kick him out and tell him they don’t want him, he sucks, and he can’t play, THAT is bullying . That is when we took action and spoke to the other kids parents and school administrators. . Those are the actions that are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
There is a simple truth in life. Not every kid is going to be the popular kid. Not every kids is going to have tons of friends. Not every kid is going to be included. Not every kid is a winner . That is not bullying, that is life. That is the way that life happens when we all grow up.
It’s important to recognize this, and teach our kids to recognize it as well. Sometimes, we need to understand that life is life, and it’s not fair. That is a lesson that we all had to learn at some point.
I think that we, as parents spend too much time telling our kids they are the best, they HAVE to be the best, no matter what. So our kids feel that when they are not “number 1” they will do whatever it takes to get to the top –including disregarding others. If we spent just as much time teaching our kids how important it is to be kind, compassionate, and a good friend where ever they are, that they will still get to where ever they are supposed to be, but they will do it learning how to be good adults.
Filed Under: Bullying Wendy 11 Comments
Jennifer H says February 19, 2014 at 9:54 am Life can certainly be cruel sometimes. And it’s hard as a parent because we want to “fix it”, but sometimes we can’t. Reply Wendy says February 19, 2014 at 9:56 am Exactly, Jennnifer. What we need to do, rather than FIX it, is to help them learn how to handle and grow from these kinds of thing. It doens’t stop my heart from breaking, but does make me feel a little better that I’ve helped him grow from it. Reply
Jennifer H says
February 19, 2014 at 9:54 am
Life can certainly be cruel sometimes. And it’s hard as a parent because we want to “fix it”, but sometimes we can’t.
Wendy says February 19, 2014 at 9:56 am Exactly, Jennnifer. What we need to do, rather than FIX it, is to help them learn how to handle and grow from these kinds of thing. It doens’t stop my heart from breaking, but does make me feel a little better that I’ve helped him grow from it. Reply
Wendy says
February 19, 2014 at 9:56 am
Exactly, Jennnifer. What we need to do, rather than FIX it, is to help them learn how to handle and grow from these kinds of thing. It doens’t stop my heart from breaking, but does make me feel a little better that I’ve helped him grow from it.
Donna says February 19, 2014 at 10:55 am It’s tough being a mom sometimes. Especially when we want to make everything better, and sometimes… we can’t. We’ve been fortunate that our son hasn’t faced any bullying yet, but he starts middle school next year and it is a big concern of ours. I sure bet you were proud of him though, for showing empathy for the other 3 kids. Sounds like one amazing boy you got there! Reply Wendy says February 19, 2014 at 11:21 am Thanks, Donna. He IS a pretty terrific kid. And yes, while we can’t fix everything, my hope is we can teach them how to handle it, and hopefully help them navigate their way through! Reply
Donna says
February 19, 2014 at 10:55 am
It’s tough being a mom sometimes. Especially when we want to make everything better, and sometimes… we can’t. We’ve been fortunate that our son hasn’t faced any bullying yet, but he starts middle school next year and it is a big concern of ours. I sure bet you were proud of him though, for showing empathy for the other 3 kids. Sounds like one amazing boy you got there!
Wendy says February 19, 2014 at 11:21 am Thanks, Donna. He IS a pretty terrific kid. And yes, while we can’t fix everything, my hope is we can teach them how to handle it, and hopefully help them navigate their way through! Reply
February 19, 2014 at 11:21 am
Thanks, Donna. He IS a pretty terrific kid. And yes, while we can’t fix everything, my hope is we can teach them how to handle it, and hopefully help them navigate their way through!
Jen says February 19, 2014 at 1:21 pm My daughter is in Kindergarten, and I am so sad that the stories of mean kids have already begun. Not bullying, but just the meanness, like not wanting to sit with someone. Or even telling her that the TV shows she likes are for babies. I get that they are young still and empathy needs to be learned, but I also fear some parents just don’t teach it. It makes me sad. I was that child growing up who was picked on relentlessly, and the last thing I want is for my girls to go through that. 🙁 Reply Wendy says February 19, 2014 at 2:01 pm Jen! That’s it, exactly. Just plain MEANNESS still hurts. I think a BIG problem is that parents neglect to teach their kids- and they learn on their own. Think about peer pressure. It just stinks. Reply
Jen says
February 19, 2014 at 1:21 pm
My daughter is in Kindergarten, and I am so sad that the stories of mean kids have already begun. Not bullying, but just the meanness, like not wanting to sit with someone. Or even telling her that the TV shows she likes are for babies. I get that they are young still and empathy needs to be learned, but I also fear some parents just don’t teach it. It makes me sad. I was that child growing up who was picked on relentlessly, and the last thing I want is for my girls to go through that. 🙁
Wendy says February 19, 2014 at 2:01 pm Jen! That’s it, exactly. Just plain MEANNESS still hurts. I think a BIG problem is that parents neglect to teach their kids- and they learn on their own. Think about peer pressure. It just stinks. Reply
February 19, 2014 at 2:01 pm
Jen! That’s it, exactly. Just plain MEANNESS still hurts. I think a BIG problem is that parents neglect to teach their kids- and they learn on their own. Think about peer pressure. It just stinks.
Brandy says March 11, 2014 at 12:43 pm I couldn’t agree with this post more! I think far too many people are hopping on this anti-bullying thing when it’s normal life lessons. Sure it stinks when our child isn’t picked for something and it stinks to see them feel bad but that’s part of growing up. We need to, as parents, not coddle kids from the normal bad feelings they will have over normal situations. I have raised my kids to know the difference and my 11 year old daughter knows that some people just don’t like her and that is okay to her. She says they don’t call her names or bother her and that’s fine. <– that is the attitude we need to raise & we need more parents to realize that their child isn't going to be loved, liked or be invited to everything; that is part of life for children and adults. Great post! I agree with it 100%. Reply
Brandy says
March 11, 2014 at 12:43 pm
I couldn’t agree with this post more! I think far too many people are hopping on this anti-bullying thing when it’s normal life lessons. Sure it stinks when our child isn’t picked for something and it stinks to see them feel bad but that’s part of growing up. We need to, as parents, not coddle kids from the normal bad feelings they will have over normal situations. I have raised my kids to know the difference and my 11 year old daughter knows that some people just don’t like her and that is okay to her. She says they don’t call her names or bother her and that’s fine. <– that is the attitude we need to raise & we need more parents to realize that their child isn't going to be loved, liked or be invited to everything; that is part of life for children and adults. Great post! I agree with it 100%.
Ty says March 13, 2014 at 8:21 pm Very well written and I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for this post as I really needed it today. Reply
Ty says
March 13, 2014 at 8:21 pm
Very well written and I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for this post as I really needed it today.
Amy says May 7, 2015 at 8:35 am Sometimes life is so hard. We had a similar expereince last week with my 11 year-old and it broke my heart to see her treated that way. The mama bear in me wanted to take action, but like Aedan’s situation, it wasn’t bullying. I think you have clarified the difference well. And the fact that Aedan retained his sense of kindness and compassion in that situation? That says so much about his character. 🙂 Reply
Amy says
May 7, 2015 at 8:35 am
Sometimes life is so hard. We had a similar expereince last week with my 11 year-old and it broke my heart to see her treated that way. The mama bear in me wanted to take action, but like Aedan’s situation, it wasn’t bullying. I think you have clarified the difference well. And the fact that Aedan retained his sense of kindness and compassion in that situation? That says so much about his character. 🙂
Sue says May 8, 2015 at 4:00 pm I’ve been through tons of instances like this and am glad to be past this stage of parenting. I am glad to see parents speaking out about this and kids sticking up for themselves. Reply
Sue says
May 8, 2015 at 4:00 pm
I’ve been through tons of instances like this and am glad to be past this stage of parenting. I am glad to see parents speaking out about this and kids sticking up for themselves.
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